Change is only scary because it involves confronting, and killing off, the old you
Why do we resist the very changes we know will make our lives better? The answer has nothing to do with laziness or weakness, and everything to do with what change actually asks of us.
MINDSET
6/29/20254 min read
Getting behind the steering wheel for the first time is scary because you’ll be killing off the version of you that didn’t know how to drive, posting your profile picture is scary because you’ll be killing off the version of you that doesn’t put yourself out there, and living life on your terms is scary because you’ll be killing off the version of you that was told how to live your life.
Change, even if for the better, is going to feel difficult and be met with resistance. This is because in doing so, you’ll be killing off a set of beliefs, attitudes, perspectives, and habits, for which you may have been holding onto for most, if not all, of your life in favour of new ones which reflect the kind of person you want to become.
The longer you have held onto these behaviours, and the longer they have been a part of how you go about your day-to-day life, the more painful change will be.
Now that we’ve established why we might find ourselves reluctant to change, we can begin to explore methods that will not only help us fight the feeling of resistance, but also make the necessary changes in order to improve our lives.
First things first, we need to be aware of the areas of our lives in which we would like to change.
As mentioned earlier, we tend to have been holding onto our belief systems (healthy and unhealthy) for a sustained period of our lives. Because of this, it’s not uncommon to notice that identifying the changes needed can be hard to spot due to these beliefs being heavily ingrained into our paradigms.
A simple way I’ve found to tackle this is to work backwards by first identifying, and then listing out all of the unwanted results I was currently getting in life. This is because whatever we believe affects our actions, and then our actions affect our results (Beliefs > Actions > Results).
To do this, simply get a piece of paper and create three columns: Beliefs, Actions, Results
Since we’re working backwards, start by listing out all of your unwanted results (e.g ‘People treat me like a doormat and my needs are always coming last.’)
Next, think about the action that usually occurs just before you get your unwanted result. Note it down next to its respective result (e.g ‘I never say ‘no’ and I always prioritise other people’s happiness.’)
Now, move onto the beliefs column and think long and hard about the belief/narrative which stems from your actions. What is your mind telling you is the most appropriate action to take in this situation and why? (e.g ‘If I put my needs first, that would make me a selfish person and therefore, I need to be nice to everyone and ensure their needs are put first, even to the expense of my own, in order to be liked.’)
Repeat the above until all columns associated with your results have been filled in. You should now have a clear picture as to what beliefs are in need of addressing so that they can be discarded, forgotten, and replaced for healthier, more realistic ones.
Tip: The goal of this exercise is to ensure long lasting, permanent changes. And so, its paramount that you really take your time when working through this exercise to prevent you from having to readdress the same problem again and again—even if this means only focusing on one problem a day (it personally took me months to get through my own list).
As with solving all problems, complete and total honesty is also non-negotiable here. You may lie to your friends, family, and partners, but there is absolutely no benefit in lying to yourself. In doing so, you’re only hurting yourself. Plus if you think about it, if there's one person you should be honest with, it should be yourself. Not to mention that in learning how to be honest with yourself, you also learn to be honest with others much better.
In the same way that the method described above can help us reveal the things we need to stop doing, it can also be used to get in touch with what we need to start doing. To do this, simply repeat the above exercise except this time, place your focus on the results that you do want (but don’t currently have).
Doing this myself has been crucial in making it immediately obvious as to what changes I needed to make in order to prevent unwanted results from reoccurring whilst cultivating the ones I do want.
What’s also been good about using this method is it outlines the necessary and most pressing changes. This helps prevent any time and energy being exerted onto things that don’t need to be changed. This ensures that you are making changes in the right areas whilst leaving unproblematic ones alone.
Here’s a (potentially) dangerous part that I feel is worth mentioning: All change is painful however, not all change is good. Recently I was incredibly ill and off work for 2 weeks. This meant I couldn’t partake in the good habits I had formed over the past year. I was instead confined to laying in bed watching YouTube videos, listening to music and all-round doing nothing productive.
Naturally I cut myself some slack due to how sick I was. But regardless, that didn’t change the fact that I was becoming my old self again by indulging in my old, unhealthy habits.
As I was getting better and able to reflect upon this, I realised that even though I was changing for the worse, it was still just as painful as changing for the better. Since change hurts regardless, this means it’s wise that we only choose pain that will serve us. Better then to choose the pain of becoming your best self.
Change, good or bad, hurts. However the worst pain of all is to remain the same.
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